And everything was fine…well for a while. The next day, I was still in bed (not just in the mood for lectures or seeing anyone) then I get a call from my boyfriend that he was downstairs. He said “Hey, I’m sorry, can I see you? I’m downstairs” I was so excited and I said “I’m coming”. My eyes were still swollen from crying, I didn’t have anything to eat because I just didn’t have the appetite. I met him downstairs, he smiled and said he missed me and I should follow him home. We went home and continued like nothing happened.
So one faithful
sunny afternoon, I went to see my boyfriend. I was ready to have sex, I didn’t
want to be a virgin anymore and I want my boyfriend to be my first. My
boyfriend was surprised I finally wanted sex; he asked if I was sure countless
times before we began. The first time was painful and awkward, lol. There was
no blood, which was strange though I heard and felt my hymen break and he
probably felt it too. Anyways, that was
it. I felt different and I realized it wasn’t that big a deal …didn’t get what
the fuss was about. Somehow my love for
him tripled and I became crazy. I didn’t want to share him, I wanted to be with
him forever but I was naïve. Due to how painful the sex was, I was (still am)
afraid to have sex but he assured me that it would stop if we continued that I
would get used to having it with him and start enjoying it.
At home, things
were a bit different. Though my siblings and I did the chores cause we were
used to it, our step mum began to have this respect for us –probably because we
were matured and all in the university. Instead of going to school after that semester,
I went to live with my sister. And she brought our mother from the village to
live with her ;my mum left when I was three ,so it was really new to me but I
was happy to live with my mum. My eldest sister has been like a mother figure
but she was also finding her way…I had always wondered to it would be like to have
a mother around – it was no picnic. My
mum was kind of spiritual in a weird way that whenever she feels something
strange about you, she thinks you are the devil, regardless of who you are (her
daughter or stranger). I told her about
my boyfriend and things I felt a daughter should be able to share with her
mother but sometimes she would use it against me. One morning I was sleeping
and she came to my room and said my relationship wasn’t godly that my boyfriend
somehow has initiated me with marine spirit. Growing up, she would visit and
sprinkle olive oil around the house and on our foreheads but this was just
weird. I didn’t really know her but living with her at my sister’s house was an
opportunity to understand her.
I was surprised that he forgave me and somehow I felt he was ‘THE ONE’ that I made up my mind that he would be my ‘first’ and he was (well it didn’t happen immediately). Since he wasn’t living in the same compound with his best friend and everything that happened, they were not close anymore (or decided to give themselves space)... it was my second year, first semester, I was few months to turning 20 and one day, I thought – there was this girl named Blessing, she is from cross river (you know what they say about cross river and Akwa ibom girls), she was short, had a small frame but a gorgeous face. Boys in school talked about her, they said she was loose and great in bed, every one of them claimed to have had intercourse with her. So I wondered, if someone that small could have sex like it was nothing, then it shouldn’t be a big deal for me (since I am tall and plump…I can take it...) – crazy but I was thinking it.
We continued but the pain didn’t get better. It was less painful when I felt horny or I’m really wet down there. He was sort of a novice (most Nigerian boys think the harder they hit, the more pleasurable it will be) despite his play boy attitude – let me just say my first was the wrong person to be “my first” …if you know what I mean. The semester was over and I was wondering how I was going to be without him for as long as the vacation was. We communicated all the time; I was worried that he would hook up with someone else since I’m not with him. We would have night calls and phone sex; I would day dream about him… he was the only person I think about when I wake up and when I got to bed.
One other evening, I was in the kitchen preparing something for my sister and my mum just came in and started acting strange; she called me my father’s mother and said I should leave her and her daughter alone “my sister”. I felt really hurt, I thought I would love living with my mother, it’s what I have always wanted. Since the separation, my dad wasn’t there for me, he was with his new wife and concentrated on my elder sisters and step brothers, I was hoping I could finally be somebody’s favorite –thankfully, I was my big sisters’ favorite. I left the kitchen and went to my room, shading tears; I didn’t want to stay there anymore. So I told my sister that I need to go to my father’s house because I wasn’t comfortable with my mum around anymore. As I left, in the bus I wondered how she could be the way she was; feeling no remorse and attacking me when she was the one that abandoned me. It was years later I realized that why she was acting strange; she was away from her kids for seventeen years and lived with different type of people, God knows what she faced. Such trauma can affect your mind and make you act crazy sometimes. Though she has always been weird, it heightened with what she has been through. Anyways this story is not about my mother or childhood, so I’ll end it here.