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What I'm I Doing With My Life? Part 5

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The next morning was a Sunday, while I was asleep ,he was on call with his sister (while we were dating ,he was really close to his sisters, so close it was kind of a deal breaker). After his call, we continued our conversation on where this could go and I played the good girl saying; “I don’t want to be the girl that comes between two people” and besides he was just in Lagos for a training and would be back to port Harcourt.  And I’m not quite good with distant relationship, he wasn’t saying much as usual and i was just blabbing to avoid the awkwardness. I left his hotel at twelve noon and in the bus, I was thinking about him and how I have missed him and wanted to be with him.

Anyways, we were friends again like nothing had happened. It was his first time in Lagos by the way (did I forget to mention that?) so he was meeting people online and meeting up with them in person, asking me how to locate some places in Lagos. Sometimes, during the week, I would call him but he won’t pick or bother to return my calls. Only to send a message about being busy; he did that on several occasions and I was getting pissed (not just because he didn’t pick my calls but because he wasn’t trying to get back together). It was during Easter period, I prepared a meal for mum and siblings and thought about how alone he might be and wanted to take a meal to him; I called his number, it rang but he didn’t pick. After some days, I saw some pictures of him, his friend and my girlfriend I introduced them to back in school on his Facebook page. I became jealous not of her but because he took a picture with her when she visited and not with me. I confronted him about it and he said next time I visit we would take a picture together yet he wasn’t making any arrangement for us to see.

One day, I was really upset, I had to call him out on his attitude towards me and he kept saying how he was with his supervisor and that he doesn’t need to lie to me since we are not dating (ouch! That hurt! It also made me realize I was acting crazy). That pissed me off the more cause I knew we were not dating and didn’t like who I was becoming –a crazy ex-girlfriend. After some days, I told myself I have to stop this madness and the only way I could was to cut off all communication. How did I get from not caring to obsessing over him? So I deleted him from my Facebook, whatsapp and every social media and immediately he called and said’ So you are repeating history” and I said “let me explain” and he said he doesn’t want to listen, that he is hanging up. I begged him not to that I had a reason why but he didn’t want to listen and hung up. I called back but he didn’t pick then I sent the message I was dreading to send. I told him I was in love with him and didn’t know how to be friends ,that deleting him on social media was a way for me to move on and I needed sometime to figure out how to just be his friend, that I’m truly sorry.

 He didn’t reply my message and I went another three years trying to reach out to him but to no avail. Until last year, he replied my messages and only chats when I beep him first –it was like he vowed not to contact me again. We are friends again but it feels one-sided to me since we only communicate when I chat first. Most times whenever we chat, we catch up on our lives; two of his sisters had their babies, he resigned and moved to Abuja, practiced taekwondo and plans to leave the country. I liked to check on him occasionally, at least it wasn’t in a stalkerish way. We are back as friends on every social media and know what is happening in each other’s lives.  That was how I found out he is no longer in Nigeria, though I am happy for him, I’m just wondering when my life would change and what I am doing with it. He wasn’t always this go-getter kinda person but things seem to be working out nicely for him. And it’s not just him; whenever I check my social pages and see how my friends are doing well in their jobs, relationships and I look at my life and how things seem to be getting worse, I wonder what I am doing wrong which makes me question what I am doing with my life.

And I realized I wasted it waiting for a love that was long gone; I was living in this fantasy that we would get back together someday, blaming myself for pushing him away but then was he really there? I wondered how someone could love you and the next minute they act like you don’t exist. So I decided to let go and focus on my writing. Though I’m still figuring out what to do with my life, I know I won’t spend it stalking and pining over my ex. I intend to live my own life, find or face my path, do what I can to be financially stable and let love find me. It doesn’t mean I am giving up, I am just letting go. A popular love quote says “if you love someone, you have to let them go”, let it or them be free and if it’s meant to be, you will get back together. So what I’m I doing with my life? I’m taking control! Doing what makes me happy, having an open mind and being the best version of myself. A friend told me not to worry over things I can’t control and work on things I can control. I can’t control our (his and mine) destiny but I can control only mine and that’s what I intend to do with my life.

Back to you guys, who or what makes you question what you are doing with your life? Do you ask yourself that question? And what are you doing about it?

 Click Here for Part 4


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