Is This My Life Now? What I’m I Going To Do?

Today is kind of weird for me…Well, not really weird, just emotionally draining. I’m sure most of you have experienced something like this; where tears just start falling down your eyes even when you don’t know no the reason why.
In my case, it’s a lot; I’m just all over the place. I had a fight with my sister last night for the silliest thing. I wanted her to help me download a series since she deleted it after watching and forgot to send it to me. Normally, this is not supposed to make me angry but it did. And yes we quarrel and make up in less than 24 hours these days (back then I keep malice a lot); it’s because we were living apart but now that we are back in the same room, it seems like the silent treatment is back.  Somehow I just want to be on my own and not have her bother me, so I didn’t talk to her when she got back from work.

I just can’t tell how I feel tonight. I slept all through this morning, kept waking on and off till I finally got up by 3pm could not exercise or do anything meaningful. Then I made pasta by past 6, watched ‘So you think you can dance’ and it was time for family prayer so after prayer I just sat in the living room and tears poured down my eyes. I really don’t understand why but I know I just felt psychologically drained. I’m just asking myself; is this my life now? Did I mention my brother’s friend have been living with us since I moved back in? When my family and I are still trying to get our shit together? Anyways I asked myself if this is my life now because all I do is lock the door after my siblings on their way to work and unlock it on their way back, asking me when last we had light or domestic questions.

Guys, I do have faith but sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. I could not even have a proper quiet time to really cry, my bro interrupted a few times. I’m just wondering where I went wrong and why I have to be in this situation. Why I’m I unemployed, why I’m I single, why don’t my family care? Why do I care about people so much even though they treat me like I don’t exist? As those tears poured down my eyes, I realized sometimes you don’t need a reason to cry. Sometimes you are just overwhelmed by things happening to you that even when you are trying to keep a brave face; your body is telling you otherwise. Growing up in a family of seven, I have always felt alone and most times misunderstood but with time I became the middle woman. The one everyone goes to for help or to mediate - most of the time that was all they required of me. No one cares to ask if I’m okay or need help.

I have been without a job since March this year and I’ve been surviving by the grace of God. My eldest sister helped months ago because of what she wanted; me going back to my mum’s place so I don’t have to be independent. But when I really need help, she just abandoned me. My brother helped get his friend a job yet I’m at home without one. All my friends (what friends?) have deserted me. The truth is I’m really trying my best to feel and act sane but it’s so hard.  My account is empty (well, except with my sister’s money she asked me to help her save – you see what I mean?). I really don’t know what to do, so I’m writing here. Pouring my feelings out in my writing helps, so I don’t have to burst in anger. I really don’t know where to go from here; I have no money to go out and look for a job, my hair is unkempt, I can’t even afford to buy toiletries, I am in my thirties and don’t have anyone to call my own…It’s really hard, so hard!

Thought I had friends but I don’t, I am so alone, struggling alone. People say it’s lonely at the top but I am not at the top. Not having friends would have been easier if I was successful but I’m not! I’m leaving in my mum’s house, struggling with my career, meeting men that are not serious- this is my life now. What I’m I going to do? The truth is I don’t know, i feel handicapped, nothing seem to be working. Everything I plan out just keep going out the window. I’m exhausted; from waking up at random times, feeling restless, being idle, about this life I’m living (not living, surviving).

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this emotional mess I’m in, I’m just going to breathe and keep waking up when my body is willing to get up, writing if I can (if there is electricity),I’ll pray too and wait for a miracle –at least that’s what I know I can do at this point. After all I’m still breathing and as they say “while there is life, there is hope”. So as long as I breathe, I’ll keep moving even if doing the same thing may drive me crazy. My story is not over; this is just part of it and I’m sharing it, just as I would when it gets better as well. I know I am not the only one going through this and I’m open to suggestions. Though this seems to be my life now, it’s not the end. Though it feels lonely, I’m not alone. I’m hopeful that things will get better but it’s a tough wait for someone as impatient as me. So friends this is my life now, how is yours?