Skip to main content

Is This My Life Now? What I’m I Going To Do?

Today is kind of weird for me…Well, not really weird, just emotionally draining. I’m sure most of you have experienced something like this; where tears just start falling down your eyes even when you don’t know no the reason why.
In my case, it’s a lot; I’m just all over the place. I had a fight with my sister last night for the silliest thing. I wanted her to help me download a series since she deleted it after watching and forgot to send it to me. Normally, this is not supposed to make me angry but it did. And yes we quarrel and make up in less than 24 hours these days (back then I keep malice a lot); it’s because we were living apart but now that we are back in the same room, it seems like the silent treatment is back.  Somehow I just want to be on my own and not have her bother me, so I didn’t talk to her when she got back from work.

I just can’t tell how I feel tonight. I slept all through this morning, kept waking on and off till I finally got up by 3pm could not exercise or do anything meaningful. Then I made pasta by past 6, watched ‘So you think you can dance’ and it was time for family prayer so after prayer I just sat in the living room and tears poured down my eyes. I really don’t understand why but I know I just felt psychologically drained. I’m just asking myself; is this my life now? Did I mention my brother’s friend have been living with us since I moved back in? When my family and I are still trying to get our shit together? Anyways I asked myself if this is my life now because all I do is lock the door after my siblings on their way to work and unlock it on their way back, asking me when last we had light or domestic questions.
Image result for my sad little life
Guys, I do have faith but sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. I could not even have a proper quiet time to really cry, my bro interrupted a few times. I’m just wondering where I went wrong and why I have to be in this situation. Why I’m I unemployed, why I’m I single, why don’t my family care? Why do I care about people so much even though they treat me like I don’t exist? As those tears poured down my eyes, I realized sometimes you don’t need a reason to cry. Sometimes you are just overwhelmed by things happening to you that even when you are trying to keep a brave face; your body is telling you otherwise. Growing up in a family of seven, I have always felt alone and most times misunderstood but with time I became the middle woman. The one everyone goes to for help or to mediate - most of the time that was all they required of me. No one cares to ask if I’m okay or need help.

I have been without a job since March this year and I’ve been surviving by the grace of God. My eldest sister helped months ago because of what she wanted; me going back to my mum’s place so I don’t have to be independent. But when I really need help, she just abandoned me. My brother helped get his friend a job yet I’m at home without one. All my friends (what friends?) have deserted me. The truth is I’m really trying my best to feel and act sane but it’s so hard.  My account is empty (well, except with my sister’s money she asked me to help her save – you see what I mean?). I really don’t know what to do, so I’m writing here. Pouring my feelings out in my writing helps, so I don’t have to burst in anger. I really don’t know where to go from here; I have no money to go out and look for a job, my hair is unkempt, I can’t even afford to buy toiletries, I am in my thirties and don’t have anyone to call my own…It’s really hard, so hard!
Image result for my sad little life gifs
Thought I had friends but I don’t, I am so alone, struggling alone. People say it’s lonely at the top but I am not at the top. Not having friends would have been easier if I was successful but I’m not! I’m leaving in my mum’s house, struggling with my career, meeting men that are not serious- this is my life now. What I’m I going to do? The truth is I don’t know, i feel handicapped, nothing seem to be working. Everything I plan out just keep going out the window. I’m exhausted; from waking up at random times, feeling restless, being idle, about this life I’m living (not living, surviving).

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this emotional mess I’m in, I’m just going to breathe and keep waking up when my body is willing to get up, writing if I can (if there is electricity),I’ll pray too and wait for a miracle –at least that’s what I know I can do at this point. After all I’m still breathing and as they say “while there is life, there is hope”. So as long as I breathe, I’ll keep moving even if doing the same thing may drive me crazy. My story is not over; this is just part of it and I’m sharing it, just as I would when it gets better as well. I know I am not the only one going through this and I’m open to suggestions. Though this seems to be my life now, it’s not the end. Though it feels lonely, I’m not alone. I’m hopeful that things will get better but it’s a tough wait for someone as impatient as me. So friends this is my life now, how is yours?


Popular Post

Why I Started Blogging

Before I discovered blogging, I enjoyed writing - whether it's my thoughts, my idea of a song, a story or movie synopsis. I knew about websites but had no idea how it works; I would search Google for news (well mostly celeb gossip or anything entertainment) and it gives me different sites to check information).

My Dating experience :My First Love Part 6

The next day, I was waiting for my boyfriend, the agent, anyone … Thankfully, he arrived in the afternoon - he went to the agent house for the key before he came. I was so relieved; I hugged him and he joked about me being locked up. I followed him to give the key back to the agent.

My dating experience :My First Love Part 5

It was the first semester of my final year,i was preparing for my exams and living with my boyfriend - it wasn't  a wise choice.  Sometimes, we (my boyfriend and I)  would study together, other times I'd go for night class and study there. I got used to my boyfriend not making me a priority, keeping late nights, being too friendly with his female neighbors and probably cheating that I was just not interested anymore. We were just living like roommates...

How is life with you?

Don’t you wish someone would just ask you that? And I’m not saying just for formalities ,like when a guy chat you up and ask “sup”, “how was your day” cause he is just trying to be polite or just thinks that’s what he supposed to do to show that he cares. I’m talking about someone asking “how is life with you” and really mean it. Like they really want to know if you are okay; not just financially, physically and emotionally.

Why do I keep having dreams of my ex?

Okay, since last year I've been having dreams of my ex, who was also my first love . From, my dating experience, you can see why it didn't work out. Though, it was painful but it had to be done. After the breakup, I felt we had unfinished business or some closure to do  that each time we see it doesn't feel like we have. I barely dreamt about him but it became serious beginning of last year, that I had to buzz him on Facebook where he quickly told me he is engaged to be married as if I was trying to get him back. I wasn't trying to get him back, a part of me just wanted to know why I had that first dream which I barely have of him.

7 Things i Regret Doing in Life

There are a lot of things I wish I knew before starting it; whether is a career move, relationships, dealing with family... Most times its when we fail we learn but I always wondered why I didn't have anyone to advice me, someone close to look up to. Sometimes, all we need is ourselves to get through a situation, to create something, to be great...and with this comes mistakes, that's how we learn from them. So, here are seven things I regret doing in my life.

My dating experience :My First Love Part 5 {Cont'd}

We arrived for second semester and it was my last semester in that School. I was excited cause I didn't have to worry about getting through with some courses; not like they were hard but you know they are some annoying lecturers that just enjoy failing people while some just want you to bribe them not to...Either way, I was excited but not too excited cause I would miss my friends.

How lonely are you?

Relationship wise, I'm really lonely… well career wise as well. You know, sometimes I want my alone time. Yes I know I want someone in my life but sometimes I think about being with one person for the rest of my life. I know you are wondering if I'm alright,i promise you I am and I want to believe I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Maybe it's because I have not found the right person to be with -being with the right person makes the relationship easier and worthwhile…. At least that's what I want to believe since I have not met the right person yet.