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How lonely are you?

Relationship wise, I'm really lonely… well career wise as well.
You know, sometimes I want my alone time. Yes I know I want someone in my life but sometimes I think about being with one person for the rest of my life. I know you are wondering if I'm alright,i promise you I am and I want to believe I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Maybe it's because I have not found the right person to be with -being with the right person makes the relationship easier and worthwhile…. At least that's what I want to believe since I have not met the right person yet.

But I'm really lonely and my anxiety and depression does not help matters. Being depressed makes me feel angry, sad, emotional and irritated that most times it drives people away. The right people ought to stay right? But what if they didn't even get the chance to get to know you or met you at that depressed state, then what?

With being unemployed, my ex getting married  and moving on… life really sucks and can be very lonely. Though my sister makes sure I don't feel lonely with her disturbance but I'm talking about being in a relationship with the opposite sex that isn't family. I'm a human being, sometimes I want to be told I'm loved or beautiful (not like people don't tell me this but I want to hear it from the right person), be seen -someone that gets me…
I have been in contact with a guy I broke up with before the relationship even began, for eight years now. We have been friends since then and as we became friends I realized some things I didn't like about him and was grateful I broke up with him before the relationship got too deep. He is from the east (most of them are full of themselves) and full of himself, he loves money and is not really a creative person -each time I talked about my passion and aspirations,he always asked why I wasn't successful (in his mentality “why are you not rich?”)  yet and it gets on my nerves. He told me how I hurt him during the break up;we got talking recently and he said he cherishes me and still have a place in his heart for me when I told him I love him. To be honest,though i love him, I don't know if I'm in love with him or it's just cause I'm lonely I'm trying to hold on to who is available.
Not that he is very available - he has a girlfriend in the US and he is working on meeting her there next year. Though I still love my best friend,KET who we are no longer in contact ,like I'm still in love with him but I don't know if he still feels the same way. And this other guy was my last stop, in case I don't get my happy ending but it seems he has moved on and I'm worried I might never get married.

I want to get married, have kids and start my family but I don't know when this will happen. One night I was watching adult movie and had no idea the earphone and phone speaker were on at the same time. My sister was sleeping but woke up, probably from the noise  and said “put off that rubbish you are watching” .it was like the ground should just open and I should just enter and never come up. I was so humiliated -this is what happens when you are living with your siblings and you have no privacy. The truth is, i wasn't even horny,i don't even know why I had to watch it that night. Maybe I was just yearning for something or an idea of what intimacy still looks like since I have not been kissed nor touched for almost a year now - I wanted to see it again cause I felt so lonely.  No boyfriend nor potential husbands, just toasters looking to get in bed with me.

The struggle to get a job or make money from a business is challenging especially when you are not seeing results or progress and to not have someone close to you to cheer you up and let you know everything will be okay is even worse.
I just want something  to start happening for me;whether is being in a relationship, getting a good job or excelling in my business /career … something just has to work. Just tired of being lonely.

Though I need a partner, I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship right now cause still have to sort out my depression and life. When I'm idle, I do some crazy things that sometimes scares men away… trust me guys, boredom is the enemy!  When you are bored, you start thinking about a lot of things, especially hurtful things, you compare the guys that are coming to your exes,you sleep at the wrong time -like instead of at night, you sleep during the day,if you manage to get a guy that wants to date you, you scare him away by calling or texting constantly… it's a struggle.
I am really looking for a job but it's not easy in this country where they don't give jobs on merit anymore -its about who knows who. I really want to be busy and keep my mind of men -i’m not really the type that thinks about men a lot especially since I've not really enjoyed sex,its just the boredom that makes this so.

So yes I feel very lonely but you know what consoles me when I feel lonely? I tell myself it's not forever. Nothing is permanent, things change and most times unexpectedly . So in the meantime, I try (I said try cause I feel unmotivated sometimes especially when what I love is not profitable) to do what I enjoy which includes watching movies, listening to music and writing. Sometimes I just dance for no reason, cause I love it or when I listen to good music. So while I wait for the right man, I just have to try to keep myself busy -its easier said than done but it has to be done,if not I'll just be fueling my anxiety and depression...which I don't want.
How lonely are you?Care to share?

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